Hi (:
My name is Chair and I rock.
Seventeen candles on the 28th September '09. I ♥ cocktails, cocaine, and clubbing.

PARAMORE
is the bomb.
you know you love me
xoxo


put a more detailed profile here. (:




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at 8:41 PM

Got seriously pissed by someone during class deco today, but shan't elaborate, hahas.


Talking to YingXuan on MSN now, she's asking me about HIM. Hahas. She keep asking me if I like Kaihua.


Which I do not. At least, not NOW. My heart decided last night that I'm going to like HIM fully 100%.


Anyways, got back my Bio-Physics paper today, and guess what? I didn't do half as bad as I thought. I got 72, or rather, 18/25.


Damn happy larhs! The Bio questions pulled up my score after all, and I got some of the Physics questions partially right!

Bio-physics test paper score! Click to full-view. And the people who typed the front page are crazy. Cells are N-A-W-T Physics! They're Bio!
During IT. Click to full-view. ZhenYuan and Bryan typed this out. So funny sia, insulting Desmond. (Though I have nothing against Desmond, it made interesting reading.)
Did this during Calligraphy lesson cuz I was damn bored of writing "xia"s and "shang"s and "yi"s over and over again.
This poster was right opposite me on the MRT (Yes, that girl in the reflection is me(:) and I was seriously amused by how HIGH his pants are. Seriously. They're like... even higher than Mr Tan's. And THAT's saying something.

Hahas.


at 8:16 PM

he can appear rather cool, but actually he is damm hyper one.

Hahas, I can't believe I didn't know that about him, even after seven months. I thought of him as this damn cool guy who's always texting (just like me!)


at 6:27 PM

do je t'aime ou pas?

I don't know what in the world is wrong with me lately. I wasn't paying attention the past few weeks while Ms Ng was teaching Physics. (Besides, Physics makes me want to fall asleep in class, and I'm hopeless at it anyways.) I've been writing poetry while Mdm Siak talked about number patterns and linear graphs and coordinates. I've been stoning through History, Geog, English and HCL.

Well, I paid the price. Had the Physics-Bio Science class test today, I had a hard time attempting the Physics questions. I spent a full six minutes trying to draw the arrow of the vertical force before I finally remembered that it's at the centre of mass. The Bio questions were ok, pretty easy. I think even if I get all the Physics questions wrong I'll still be able to scrape through thanks to my Bio.

Today, Miss Samantha showed us some truly shocking videos, such as the trailer for An Inconvienient Truth, and a short video of what happened to the dead bodies nine months after that shocking 2004 tsunami.

I am shocked, but what Miss Sam told us after the videos shocked me more.

"We are sinking 3cm a day. We are moving into the same plate as that of Phuket, Bali, and some of the other places struck by the tsunami, and in a decade those decomposing dead bodies might be that of us. If the room temperature goes up one more degree, the world will come to an end."

That seriously shocked me man. Imagine dying without maybe even living up to 45! Or seeing your children blossoming into adults!

Then after the ICG (Inter-Class Games) 372-ed to Compass with Jeri to look at materials for the class deco, and I was browsing through the pictures on my phone when I came across the picture of HIM I loaded onto my phone.

Smiled when I saw it. What's that supposed to mean? Do I still like him, or do I not? Spent the rest of the bus ride trying to etch the photo into my mind, and grab hold of the slipping away memories of him.

Sigh. I am officially turning senile.


at 6:06 PM

"You're Publication Head? So easy lah, unlike me being Chairwoman..."

Excuse me? Did I hear you wrongly?

People think being the co-Publication Head is the easiest job in the entire Class Committee.

ALL THOSE WHO THINK THAT, YOU'VE AHB-VIOUSLY NEVER BEEN A PUBLI HEAD!

I am damn pissed lah! For starters, being the Publication Head isn't all that easy. Firstly, every Monday I have to go lug the papers back from the General Office when Amirul forgets to do so. (Thanks, Amirul!) But I normally get Bryan to do it, since he's in NCC and I'm a girl and all.

Secondly, which is also the main reason why I hate being Publi Head, AND THAT IS THAT THE CLASS IS SO FUCKING UNCOOPERATIVE.

Define uncooperative, you say.

FINE.

Every single class deco competition there is, the only people who are doing are:
Me (DUH!)
Afrah
Clarine
Asyiqin
Jeri (Sometimes she helps)
Gina
Yee Tzen
Minqi
Bernice
Mabel (Sometimes she helps)
ZhenYuan
Bryan

WHERE IS THE REST OF 1-DYNAMITE?!

I'm like... ultra-pissed with the class's ahb-solutely FUCKING attitude towards any kind of leadership post. Chairman and Vice-Chair talking, they don't listen, then ask a thousand and one questions later. Teacher talking also talk like siao. No wonder 1D's grades are worse than that of most of the other Express classes.

I hate their attitude lorhs. It won't kill them to LISTEN, right?

I haven't reached the worst part yet. Ever SINGLE fucking time there is a class deco competition, not a SINGLE SOUL other than the above forementioned people bring anything or help out.

Despite the fact that Mdm Siak said that everyone has to help out.

You know what they define as "help out"?

STAY BACK FOR 5MIN AND ANYHOW STAPLE SOME THINGS ONTO THE NOTICE BOARD. Most of the time they get it wrong, and I have to re-do the whole thing. YOU STAY BACK FOR 5MIN. I STAY BACK UNTIL 5.30 AND TAKE 1HR TO CHANGE BUS AND GET HOME.

SOME OF YOU CAN FREAKING TAKE 5MIN TO WALK HOME.

I haven't even gotten to the ahb-solute worst part yet. Every single time, when 1E and 1C win prizes for class deco, everyone glares at me like it was MY fault we didn't win.

FUCK YOU LAH. ASK YOURSELF, WHAT'S THE REASON 1E AND 1C ALWAYS WIN? YOU TELL ME LAH! IF YOU GOT FRIENDS IN 1C OR 1E CAN GO ASK THEM, UNTIL THE VERY DAY OF JUDGING THEY WILL ALWAYS ROTATE PEOPLE, AND THEY GET A LITTLE BIT DONE EVERYDAY.

YOU PEOPLE? YOU DON'T EVEN WANNA HELP ME FOR 5MIN AFTER SCHOOL. SPARE SOME THOUGHT FOR ME, OK? YOU GOT TUITION. YOU THINK I DON'T HAVE AH? YOU GOT CCA. SOME OF YOUR CCAS ARE EVEN MORE SLACK THAN MINE OK!

And yet I still make the effort to stay back. I could have gone shopping in Compass using that time, you know!

Fuck them lah. I'm like... ultra-pissed with the class lah. Like it's MY fault we didn't win liddat. Most of you girls will CLEARLY remember me wasting easily 45c texting MORE THAN HALF OF YOU reminding you to bring stuff for the International Friendship Day class deco. And yet, how many people actually brought?

ZERO.

I waited a week, you know? A FUCKING WEEK. And then I rushed the thing, you all blame me.

WHO'S FAULT IS IT? I PUT IN MY VERY BEST. IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT I DON'T HAVE MATERIALS TO DO IT!

Seriously, it's like telling a tailor to sew without giving him cloth, needle or thread. What's he supposed to sew with? His blood? His hair?

Seriously.

But I'll concede that it's not 100% our class's fault. I COULD have bought materials, butbutbut.

1D'S CLASS FUND IS NON-EXISTENT. BECAUSE IDK WHY, FOR SOME VERY WEIRD REASON, OUR CLASS FUND INVOLVES COLLECTING 10c FROM PEOPLE WHO GET "D"s ON THEIR ASSIGNMENTS.

That is entirely Mdm Siak's fault. Seriously. It took her 2 and a half months to pay me back the $26 I spent on the CNY deco.

THAT'S THE PATHETIC STATE OF OUR CLASS FUND.

And if you think $26 is a lot, 1E spent almost $100. And you wonder why they won.

IF I CAN'T BUY THE MATERIALS, AND NO ONE WANTS TO BRING, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DECORATE THE CLASS? YOU TELL ME.

I should just resign. Bryan can do the job, since no one listens to him anyway. Then HE will know how it feels like to be blamed for something you put your best into.

I'm seriously considering resigning, seriously. Because if the class is going to be this fucking uncooperative, I don't see a point.


at 9:00 PM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AFRAH DRAMA MAMA<33

Get ready, cuz' this is going to be one long post.

Went to Xiyao at 10am as usual, but this time with the three China kids squished into the backseat with Sleepy and me.

Got there, Yiyun was trying to learn how to play Canon In D, cuz' Kaihua likes that song, apparently. So... yeah. Taught her how to play the intro, and she was like... over the moon.

ACY saw me, and he was like,"Yesterday, from the other side of the tennis court, I think I saw someone crying."

AND HE SAID IT RIGHT TO MY FACE, THAT ASS.

I went all,"I didn't ah."

When in true fact, I did. But that's another matter altogether.

After that Hong Xuan came. Man do i love her.

Then even HUINING came almost-on-time just so we could rehearse. And Kaihua, our pianist, CAME LATE. Kinda screamed at him for being late and there was no more time to rehearse and blahblahblah...

Then I can't remember what we did. Nevermind.

Then got debate on the organ-selling thing. Shen LaoShi gave us newspaper clippings and we were supposed to collect info and stuff, but only half of us were collecting info. The other half of us were down there playing and fooling around.

Me, Sarah, Xiaohan, Hongxuan and Zising were writing stuff like "Barbie Bodoh" and "Idiot" and "Baka" and "Crazy" on the paper and drawing arrows pointing to the other people, and then we kept rotating the paper.

Then, the real debate started. We were the Proposition, represented by Yiyun, TianQu, SeeTong and ACY.

The debate was... *yawn*. That was, until ACY got hold of the mic. I was ROFLMAO. So funny sia!

But when I stood up later, I got butt cramp from sitting on the floor for so long, and sore cheek muscles from laughing my ass off. But still, I had tons of fun!

After that went for lunch. The China kids and the Xiyao kids all went to KFC to eat. Well, except Huining, Ziying and Junyan, who went to Macs' instead. We practically filled up the whole KFC lorh! So fun! I took photos, but lazy to upload them since I'm super-tired and wanna finish this post ay-sap and get to sleep.

Then rehearsal. Nothing much. We spent most of the rehearsal slacking our asses off.

After that was when things got seriously interesting. Me, Ziying, Yiyun and Huining went into the room joining together the main hall and the classrooms, and locked the doors. Then we dragged Kaihua, Yifeng and Junyan in ONE BY ONE. And they were faced with a serious interrogation on their standards of girls.

I was seriously trying very hard not to laugh (If you're reading this, guys, sorry! Not my idea!)

After that more rehearsal. *yawn*

Everyone was damn tired and damn frustrated. Zising, Xiaohan, Yingxuan and Huining were sitting next to the stage emo-ing, and I remember one of them fell asleep. Can't remember who. I know Kaihua was lying on the table where our bags were and overlooking dance rehearsal. Yiyun told me he kept looking at her.

I wonder why.

Then performance. The principal's speech was seriously boring, and so was the vid. Boring and long! Burned time talking to Huining and Yiyun.

Then our turn! Huining didn't go onstage cuz' I accidentally spilled some water on her, and since she and Minqi are the same "race" in the sense they're both ultra-"ai mian zi" and scared to lose face. So me and Yiyun had to memorise her part SECONDS before we went onstage.

I HAVEN'T KILLED YOU YET, HUINING.

I was trembling like siao, cuz' it's super intimidating and all. But I kept my eyes on the door the whole time. Yiyun kept hers on Kaihua.

What does that tell us, hmm?

After the performance ended, I kept telling Yiyun she had to confess to Kaihua*, even though SOMEONE already confessed to her over the phone last night. (Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Yiyun told me already.)

Then dinner. I was still bugging her about confessing.* She told me she needed some time alone, then disappeared into the main hall.

So Huining and I ate our dinner together, with irritating Sleepy tagging along. He seems to like tagging along with me. Geez. If he actually made some friends then he wouldn't have to tag along all the time and give me some PRIVACY for a change.

After that Huining and I went into the main hall to find Yiyun. She was with Ziying, banging on the piano keys.

She decided to confess to him after all*. The girls were all there. Sarah had gone home cuz' of a fever, but everyone else was there. YingXuan, HongXuan, Zising, Ziying, me, Huining, Ning Zhen, Xiaohan.

But everyone already knew about her liking Kaihua, so when Xiaohan saw Kaihua coming she was like,"My bro's here already lah!"

Everyone was like,"OOH!" and I poked my head out.

Then everyone except Yiyun went to get Kaihua to go inside. He did, eventually. After a lot of shouting at to "GO!"

The minute Kaihua disappeared behind the dividers, we pressed out ears against the dividers to hear the confession. (YIYUN, I DIDN'T HOR! THE OTHER GIRLS DID, DON'T GLARE AT ME!)

Huining and Xiaohan were hiding under the table eavesdropping, LMAO.

Then both of them came out, and everyone approached Yiyun asking her what he told her. She was like,"ask him lah."

I asked Yiyun, and I'm thankful she gave me an honest answer.

After that, accompanied Yiyun down to second-floor toilet so she could have a good cry. In the process, I missed the group photo-taking.

It's weird. I've missed every single group photo-taking over the course of the past two days. Yesterday I was there emo-ing and crying, today I was watching someone else cry.

Sigh.

*LET ME MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I DID NOT FORCE YIYUN TO CONFESS TO KAIHUA. I DID NOT, I REPEAT, DID NOT. ETCH THAT INTO YOUR HEAD.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't believe how much my life has changed in the span of these few days. It feels like my life ill never be the same again.

Since Wednesday, nothing has been the same for me.

I thought it was that simple. I like him and have been for seven months. Fullstop. End of story.

But since Wednesday, I'm not sure of my feelings anymore. I'm not even sure who I like now.

HE didn't come today. And I missed him, but not as much as I used to whenever HE wasn't here.

Does this mean my feelings for him are fading?

Yiyun confessed to Kaihua today. Even though the result was negative, my da jie is now my hero. She had the courage to tell a guy she liked him, something I'm not sure I'd be able to do at all.

Seven months, I tell you. If I had Yiyun's courage, HE'd know by now.

If he was here today, we would have dragged him into the room along with the other guys. But he didn't come. I'm scared. I'm scared I'll get rejected (which I know I will). I'm scared I'll get my heart broken. I'm scared of striking out.

But I can't give up despite the pain. I can't. I tried to, and I can't. He's messing with my mind. I want to stop, but I can't stop this feeling. It's not mine to control.

I really want him to know, but at the same time I don't want him to. I want to continue secretly liking him from afar.

Sometimes, the hardest and most painful step to take is the first one.

I wholeheartedly agree, Flora.


at 12:06 AM

I got back from the BBQ like an hour and a half ago, but Sleepy was hogging the damned computer.

I wish I could tell you I had a great time there and blahblahblah.

The truth is, I didn't. I spent an hour sitting in a corner emo-ing and listening to sad songs. The reason shall not be divulged. But I think Yiyun, Hongxuan and Xiaohan know :D

Hongxuan and Xiaohan, I haven't thanked you two enough for being there and comforting me when I felt the most alone. Xiaohan, even though you didn't say anything, I know you're concerned. Thanks (x infinity)<33

Ohyea, I also realised Yiyun and I like the same guy.

promise me we'll never let a guy get between our relationship?

I promise, Yiyun. I really do :D


at 11:53 AM

Okay, so Yiyun found out who's the other "HIM".

I shan't divulge it here now that I know that there are OTHER *ahem* people reading my blog, and these people are potentially dangerous to the state of my privacy.

TRANSLATION: I shan't tell you guys cuz' some of the people reading this blog might go and tell both "HIM"s.

There you go. I added that translation cuz' I realised that some people don't exactly get what I say on this blog all the time, and I commonly get misunderstood.

Anyways, I remembered something Huining said this morning. She said it to me a few months back, when I first told her I liked HIM.

it's not a choice. it's a feeling.

And I can't stop this feeling.


at 5:03 PM

Ohyeahohyeah, I forgot the updates!

Oh man, was so obsessed talking about how much I hate school x.x

Anyways, here are the photos we took on Tuesday during Mr Wu's last Geog period with 1D. But I only got ONE photo of Mr Wu and some with my friends. I'm only uploading them now cuz' I wanted to on Tuesday afternoon, but my phone was confiscated and with Mdm Siak, and on Wednesday it kinda slipped my mind and on Thursday I had no time to go online.

So here they are. Click to full-view yeas?

N.G.N.G!!! See all the skirt length? Ahb-viously we all fold derhs!
1D! Not the whole class though. But this one got GUYS in front.
AGAIN! And ZeMin and Luqman gaying! And Amirul and Byran idk doing what =.="
Me and Minqi laopo in toilet!
Bernice, me and Minqi. I look ahb-solutely terrible in this shot.

The boys all dig out handphone! Hahaha!

Me and Minqi laopo again! I look so weird in this photo =.="

Mr Wu holding the teddy bear and card Clarine, Afrah, Asyiqin and ZhenYuan got for him.

Me and Afrah Miss Chio!

Oh yes, Afrah's gotten BRACES! Afrah! Must gargle with hot water (or issit cold water?) so that your braces can quickly quickly come off! I can't wait to see your smile WITHOUT the ugly braces!(:

P.S. Minqi and I are officially husband and wife! The marriage ceremony was held today after school in the 1D classroom, with Rachel and Weiqi as witnesses(:


at 3:50 PM

I don't even know why I even bother to blog since no one's even reading my posts anyway. But, nevermind.

Oh, god. Another week over. Fantastic.

I ahb-solutely hate school with every single cell in my hideous being. I hate being dragged out of my wonderful bed at precisely 6.40am and stuffing myself into the utterly hideous white blouse, long navy-blue pleated skirt (and having to fold it) and the beyond-ugly black shoes. I hate having to remember to my collar pin every single day. I hate pressing my bum on the hard grey plastic chair for five solid hours in a damn day.

I hate the plain white walls and cold black metal window grilles of the classroms. I hate having to complete mountainloads of homework every single bloody day. I hate having to do a maths exercise of at least ten questions every day, on top of tons and tons of other homework. I hate having to worry about studying for tests and exams.

I hate having to worry about how fat my legs look in the simply fetching skirt. I hate lugging myself to the bus stop/MRT station every single freaking day after school. I hate dragging my heavy schoolbag all over the place. I hate having to alight at the Bowen bus-stop on bus days and wait 30min for the damned 854. I hate having to wait for the darned 112 on MRT days for at least 20min. I hate having to drag my weary body home to my front gate.

And that's just for starters. No mere words can describe my utter hatred for the the six-lettered word "school".

Anyways, I spent most of the day either stoning or writing poetry. I'm huge on this poetry thing nowadays. It's great, cuz' when I write real entries, I tend to censor more. But when I write poetry, I censor a lot less. Especially when I know that nawt everyone can understand poetry, but everyone can understand prose.

Here's a page from my poetry journal:

TO SELF: (Meaning that this poem is written to myself.)
it was either too early, or too late.
when i tried to give up on him,
i couldn't.
but now that i'm falling for someone else,
i can feel myself letting go of him naturally.
but i thought i made the choice to continue liking him no matter what.
but now i've made it,
i'm knowlessly letting go.
why is this so?
don't tell me
after seven months
don't tell me
after seven months it just ends like that?
it was either too early, or too late.

Oh yeah, I saw the BY2 CD at CD-RAMA in Compass. $18, SOMEONE BUY IT FOR ME! I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!<333


at 9:29 PM

Third post today!

Found this on Aysha's blog, it makes interesting reading.

LESSON TO BE AN AH LIAN...
1. Long rebonded hair
2. Act cute poses when taking neoprints
3. Type with aLtErNaTe CaPs ^^ or alot of additional letters. "xiiaogurrl" :x
4. Add S, Z, X to the back of every word
5. Use "wOr" 'hEe' "nEhz" 'kEkEx' "mAhx" 'oHhz' or something like that
6. Include "gal" "girl" or "ger" in their usernames
7. Sometimes fat thighs + short DENIM skirts
8. Include unimportant information in their friendster (height, weight. LOL)
9. Add strangers to their account
10. "gerr misshh boii" "lorve euu" =pPp
11. Include their sad love fairytales in their friendster [[waitin fer yew ta cum back]]
12. Shop at cheap boutiques. (THIS FASHION)
13. Fetish for PINK. everything also must PINK.
14. Call themselves weird names. MILKster PINKster Pinkalicious missyprincess tootdolliex xiaokeaii- ahhlynn sadahgal
15. Must have JIEMUIs. [JIEMUII QINGSHENN]
16. Many god-bros and sis.
17. Likes to visit the toilet frequently to makeup, adjust skirt, see mirror, retie hair
18. Cannot live without COMB and MIRROR
19. *maybe got mirror in front of you all the time, even in class.
20. Loves chinese songs
21. Wears PMK, NWO, Von Dutch
22. Attention-seeking hair color. Purple, Green, or Red.
23. Know nothing else except HOKKIEN. :)

So funny lah! I fit some of them, not ALL, haha! I fit: 9, half of 13, half of 18.

OHYEAHOHYEAH! I found Xiaohan's blog! As in Kaihua's sister! Cuz' Kaihua didn't link her, so I had to go in one big circle, from Aysha's blog to the Peirce Sec 1E2 blog then jump link jump link jump link, ended up at the 1E4 blog.

So weird sia. I think it's her anyways. Cuz' I witnessed the scene of Kaihua sitting on poor, poor Xiaohan.

Anyhow, I shall give you people the link. YIYUN, GO TAG! :D

http://moisweetlife.blogspot.com/

OH YES, ONE MORE THING! You know this afternoon after school I went to the staff room with Mdm Siak to collect my phone back? Then Ms Joseph was there, so I was frantically trying to hide. After that Mdm Siak came out with my phone, and then Ms Joseph SAW MY SKIRT!

She was like,"Excuse me," to Mdm Siak, and then to me,"Your skirt is a little short."

So I went all, "Oh." and unfolded ONE LAYER.

So paiseh lah! And LiangZhou was there laughing. Idiot.

Anyway, adios and goodnight! It's a Wednesday night but I'm acting like it's a SATURDAY night! I haven't even started on my 11.1 and 11.2

I'm such a paikia, it's scary.


at 7:21 PM

Things didn't turn out that bad after all.

Once we started to actually REHEARSE (the last 15min, mind you.), things weren't that bad. At least there were flowers in the flowerpot now.

Before we left Yiyun&I went up to Kaihua's room to get our stuff, then we had a lil' girls' talk. Then she said something about HIM that made me cry, for some reason. Not because I was sad, but for Idunnowhat reason. I just cried.

But thankfully, I dried my tears before Kaihua came up to see why we took so long to get our stuff.

I WANT SILVER NAIL POLISH! AND GOLD!

Haha, random thought. Shall sign off here, I'm blog-hopping.


at 5:12 PM

Now at Kaihua's house using his Mac to type this post, hahas!


at 6:04 PM

TODAY IS PI APPROXIMATION DAY! 22/7!

I have absolutely nothing to post, except ANOTHER set of song lyrics. Yes, it seems my life is getting boring. But no fear, I promise you I'll have a proper post by the end of the week.

Somewhere, a voice calls, in the depths of my heart
May I always be dreaming, the dreams that move my heart

So many tears of sadness, uncountable through and through
I know on the other side of them I'll find you

Everytime we fall down to the ground we look up to the blue sky above
We wake to it's blueness, as for the first time

Though the road is long and lonely and the end far away, out of sight
I can with these two arms embrace the light

As I bid farewell my heart stops, in tenderness I feel
My silent empty body begins to listen to what is real

The wonder of living, the wonder of dying
The wind, town, and flowers, we all dance one unity

Somewhere a voice calls in the depths of my heart
keep dreaming your dreams, don't ever let them part

Why speak of all your sadness or of life's painfull woes
Instead let the same lips sing a gentle song for you

The whispering voice, we never want to forget,
in each passing memory always there to guide you

When a miror has been broken, shattered pieces scattered on the ground
Glimpses of new life, reflected all around

Window of beginning, stillness, new light of the dawn
Let my silent, empty body be filled and reborn

No need to search outside, nor sail across the sea
Cause here shining inside me, it's right here inside me

I've found a brightness, it's always with me


at 10:02 PM

歌曲：期待你的爱
歌手：林俊杰

my life 一直在等待
my life yi zhi zai deng dai
空荡的口袋
kong dang de kou dai
想在里面放一份爱
xiang zai li mian fang yi fen ai

why 总是被打败
why zong shi bei da bai
真的好无奈
zhen de hao wu nai
其实我实实在在
qi shi wo shi shi zai zai
不管帅不帅
bu guan shuai bu shuai

想要找回来自己的节拍
xiang yao zhao hui lai zi ji de jie pai
所以这一次
suo yi zhe yi ci
我要勇敢大声说出来
wo yao yong gan da sheng shuo chu lai

期待期待你发现我的爱
qi dai qi dai ni fa xian wo de ai
无所不在我自然而然的关怀
wu suo bu zai wo zi ran er ran de guan huai
你的存在心灵感应的方向
ni de cun zai xin ling gan ying de fang xiang
我一眼就看出来
wo yi yan jiu kan chu lai
是因为爱
shi yin wei ai

我猜你早已发现我的爱
wo cai ni zao yi fa xian wo de ai
绕几个弯越靠近越明白
rao ji ge wan yue kao jin yue ming bai
不要走开bu yao zou kai
幸福的开始就是放手去爱
xing fu de kai shi jiu shi fang shou qu ai


at 4:28 PM

Your sign is that of intense Scorpio, the eighth sign of the zodiac, best characterized by passion, intensity, and emotionality. You are considered to be the most powerful and extreme sign of the zodiac, because you deal with the process of fundamental transformation on all levels.

Pluto is your ruler, Scorpio, and is known as the planet of permanent change and transformation. It is also associated with sex, the life cycle of birth and death, and regeneration.

You are the second of the three water signs. Pluto's influence makes you a charismatic, yet enigmatic person. While you may appear serene on the surface, you contain a magnetic intensity and powerfully hypnotic personality, belied only by a penetrating stare of deep intelligence.

Scorpio, you rule the eighth house of the chart, which is associated with other people's money, possessions, and values, as well as wealth received through inheritance; it also describes how and to what extent we commit, and bond with our partner, both on a sexual and emotional level. Yours is a fixed sign, which means that you are steadfast in adversity. Once you put your mind to something, you display self-discipline and staying power. You work stoically to achieve your goals - no matter the cost!

Dear Scorpio your strengths lie in your ability to confront and channel powerful emotions and profound insights. With your great tenacity and willpower, you are well suited to positions of authority, thanks also to your firm sense of responsibility, your strategical approaches, and your charismatic aura.

You do have weaknesses, too! You can be blunt and demanding, and at worst, you may become merciless, obsessive, and manipulative. You are known for your passive-aggressive behavior, which sometimes reveals your proclivity for martyrdom. You also run the risk of displaying destructive, and revengeful behavior, which confirms your radical all-or-nothing approach

Got this off Astrology Bot. It's quite true, hahas. Bernice gave me the MSN address.

Those who trust in the Lord will never be thirsty and will soar on wings like eagles.

Anyway, I'm watching some Vanilla Sky video on YouTube. Go watch it! Their Umbrella is ULTRA-FUNNY!


at 9:07 AM

Reading all my old posts from October last year until now, and I realised that even though I may not miss my Sotongs anymore, those memories will always be stored happily in my mind.

They're happy memories. Sometimes I wish I could go back and re-visit them, but I know that's impossible.

When re-reading my old entries, I felt something. I can't describe it, but I felt a certain warmth. If it wasn't for the fact I'm in the school comp lab, I'd have cried recalling the happy memories in 604.

YeeJun, go read them again. How we used to live our lives happily in Rosyth. How things have changed since then.

I miss those memories.

nine-eleven a.m
computer 03
computer lab 2
nan chiau high school.
20 anchorvale link.
sengkang.
singapore 545079.


at 8:36 AM

eight-thirty-seven a.m.

In school now, it's D&T and we're in comp lab now doing research.

Alright, Cindy rolled over and asked me to blog about her. So I shall.

CINDY IS VERY, VERY, VERY NICE AND DAMN COOL!

Alright, I bloged about Cindy. There.

Okay, the bell just rang. One period of my favourite period of the week gone. Two more to go.

The school comp is damn retarded lahs. I had to like, refresh the Blogger homepage four times JUST to get to my dashboard, and another three to get to the "Create Post" page.

Retarded school network.

Mr Tan is damn nerd lahs. He wears his pants HIGH, HIGH. And tucks in his horrible plaid shirts so it seems like his torso is 15cm long. Still, his nerdiness doesn't stop me from loving D&T.

BECAUSE I FIND D&T DAMN FUN!

Just now went to 1B to borrow D&T apron, cuz we're going down to the workshop third period before recess.

I hope Mr Tan lets us off on the dot. My poor stomach always starts growling halfway through second period D&T. Poor stomach, poor, poor thing. *rubs tummy affectionately and gently*

Bernice is sitting next to me, laughing at my "jokes". AND SI CONG THE FRANKENSTIEN IS WALKING AROUND.

Talk about freaky.

Okay, the comp lab action cannot be described in a mere post, so I shall end my crapping here.

eight-forty-nine a.m
POSTSCRIPT: The "Lyrics" links finally work! And the text on my blog can finally be clicked on without going to the lyrics of Daughtry's "What About Now". I just realised that the dumb bodoh me forgot to close the link tags.
Dumb, dumb and dumb.


at 8:18 PM

I don't understand myself lately. I'm short-tempered and get pissed off with my friends easily. Why is this so?

I seem normal in school, but why is it then when I'm without a friend, I feel so empty inside?

Why is it I keep checking my phone for text messages and I feel so upset when I don't get any new texts?

Is this normal?

I don't understand myself. I'm only like this when I'm alone. In school, I try not to shout at my friends when I get pissed with them, because I understand it's not their fault I feel this way.

In school, I try not to make my friends worried. But I can't help it, sometimes I just wanna break down and cry like nobody's business.

I know I'm loved, but why is it there's still a part of me that feels that I'm not wanted and loved just like my other friends are?

What's keeping me from achieving happiness?

I need a psychiatrist, I'm turning insane.

are you really happy? are you sure the pain from liking him is not killing you? Well, you can choose who you wanna like, but when it's hurting too much, let go a little kayyes?
Thanks, Yiyun.


at 6:43 PM

My mind has been a real whirlwind of thoughts lately. Thoughts about everything are overlapping like mad.

At this point I'm having so many emotions that I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. The bitterness of some things, overlapped with the happiness of some things, overlapped with the confusion of some things, overlapped with the pissi-ness (not a word, but nevermind. You get my point) of some things.

I'm not even sure which one of these I'm feeling anymore. My mind's a total blank. I don't feel like crying, or laughing. I just stare straight ahead at the lighted-up computer screen, emotionless and smile-less.

Why am I feeling this way?

Is this natural?

Why do I feel so happy at times, yet so emo and crabby the next?

I can tell it's nawt mood swings. After all, no one's mood swings got THIS out of hand.

Life's been such a slut lately. I can't even bring myself to think about the things that make me happy anymore.

I can't place my finger on why I'm feeling so emotionless these days. Even Bryan asked me why I'm moodier these few days.

I wish I could answer him.


at 10:10 PM

mejores amigos

That's Spanish for best friends, apparently.

I just got off the phone with an old BFF who I haven't seen in ages, and this is for her.

Raisin (she asked me to call her that)

I've missed you terribly. And I know you're depressed in your new school. Cheer up lah. Girls only pick on and bully other girls because they feel insecure about themselves and putting down others makes them feel better.

As to why they picked you, I'm not sure. But it helps to talk it out. And I'm terribly honoured and happy that you chose to open up to me, because I know it's not easy. If you try to ignore them, maybe they'll stop, because they see that their insults have no effect on you.

I hate seeing you like this. Hearing you cry makes me wanna cry too. What happened to the cheerful girl I used to know? You were one of the friends outside school who turned me into who I am today. You used to have a smile printed on your face, what happened?

I know it's not easy, but promise me you'll smile for me. And know that I love you.

There, that's it. Okay, I have to go do my Lit project now. RAISIN, TAG MY BLOG OR TEXT ME AFTER YOU SEE THE BLOCKQUOTE!


at 5:24 PM

I am entitled a emo post once in a while, so here it goes.

I know I have to try. I DID try. But I can't.

I tried. But I can't do it. Everytime I see him I fall in love with him all over again.

I told myself I had to. Yiyun told me I had to. Huining told me I had to. Charmaine told me I had to.

But I asked myself, Do I really have to?

I can just secretly like him and think about him. He doesn't ever have to know. Yiyun said we have a minimal chance of being together. But the point is that, we don't have to be together. I'm happy where I am now. To me, liking him from afar is all I need.

I don't HAVE TO forget him. It was a choice I chose to make. But perhaps I wanted too much. Because now, liking him without him knowing is all I need.

Isn't that enough?

I know everyone says I have to. That's the reason I didn't tell them when I started liking him again, harder than ever before. Because I know that they'll just tell me the many reasons I have to, and tell me I have to, and encourage me to.

But do they ever know how I feel?

Even though they tell me I have to, I DON'T have to. Because the reason I tried giving him up is because I wanted him to be happy.

But I'm happy this way, just admiring and liking him from afar. I'm content. And to me, that's enough.


at 6:45 PM

Hellos(:

Got back from tuition just now, going swimming soon. But first I wanna upload the photos I took at Xiyao today!

Xiyao was super-damn-slack today man. We practised juggling tennis balls today, hahas. I gave up while ATTEMPTING to toss the ball from one hand to another.

My hand-eye co-ordination is zero when it comes to juggling and throwing things.

After that sat down in front of the screen, they told us the Xiyao Yuexi School in Gunagzhou are sending 23 kids over, and they have to stay in some of our houses.

THEN I FOUND OUT THAT MUM VOLUNTEERED ME AND SLEEPY WITHOUT CONSULTING US FIRST!

Then they also said the day they come, we're going to Shen LaoShi's condo in Clementi for a party! And must bring food! And must perform something! The performance thing took AGES to gao ding. Cuz' a lot of them don't wanna perform anything. So now we've got a few acts, but I can't remember them.

All I know is that me, Yiyun, Huining and Chiobu are gonna sing something, and Kaihua is gonna play piano as accompaniment. We're most likely meeting Thursday after school, but place is unconfirmed.

CUZ' YIYUN&HUINING LIVE AT JURONG, CHIOBU LIVES AT WOODLANDS, AND I LIVE AT KOVAN!

So now we're trying to plan something on the red line. Haiz...

Anyway, here are the photos, as promised!
Ultra-pretty pink tennis ball!
The girls slacking while we're supposed to be practising our juggling. The one in green (can't see her face) is Huining, I'm the one sitting down, the damn unglam one. Then YingXuan is the one SMS-ing, NingZhen's the one in the jacket and Sarah's the one in black.
During lesson time, haha! Sarah shy go cover face with cushion.
Chiobu!
Someone took this damn unglam and fugly photo of me. I think it was Chiobu who took it.

Yiyun camera-shy!
Chiobu again!

Jan(:

at 5:49 PM

Minqi, Bernice and Mabel at my place now, leaving soon. They've been here since 1pm, except Minqi, who got here at 4.30pm.

Name 20 people you can think of right now.
Don't read the questions until you have named the 20 people.
At the end of this, choose 5 people to do this. (:

1)YeeJun
2)Stacey
3)Vanessa
4)Huining
5)Yiyun
6)Chiobu
7)Bernice
8)Minqi
9)Mabel
10)Rachel
11)Jialin
12)Jerilene
13)Afrah
14)Kylie
15)Nicole Teo
16)Daphne
17)Ming Wei
18)WeiJun
19)Muhaimin (only cuz' he just logged into MSN)
20)Wence (only cuz' he's the only guy online on MSN now)

-How did you meet #14?
Kylie. GEMS! No, wait.... PK2. Almost the end of PK2.

-What would you do if u never met #1?
YeeJun. IF I DIDN'T MEET HER I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TRUE BESTFRIENDS REALLY ARE(:

-What if #9 and #20 dated?
Mabel and Wence? They don't even know each other. And Mabel's not Wence's type. Wence is not Mabel's type. And Mabel stead with Minqi liaos. HAHAS.

-Will #6 and #17 date?
Chiobu and Ming Wei. NO WAY, MAN. Number one-Ming Wei is three years younger than Chiobu. Number two- Chiobu already stead with Leslie Tin. 5(or is it 6?)months lerh lehhs. Don't break them up(:

-Describe #3
Vanessa. Vannyyy is... AWESOME, PAIKIA, EX-CLASSMATE, SHOPAHOLIC, COOL, BFF. (Pick your fave, VanVan.)

-When was the last time you spoke to #13?
Afrah. Yesterday lahs. Hahahas.

-Who is #2's favourite band/singer?
Stacey. Idk lehs. She got alot of favourites, just no THE favourite.

-Would you ever date #4?
Huining. Yes. But she's attached liao.

-Would you ever date #1?
YeeJun. DUHHHHHHHH. WHO WOULDN'T? She's pretty, smart, kind, sensitive, seriously cute, and thoughtful. And would make a great girlfriend.

-Is #19 single?
Muhaimin. Idk lehhs. I very long never talk to him liao, but last I heard, he broke up with his stead.

-What is #10's last name?
Rachel. TAN.

-Would you ever be in a relationship with #11?
Jialin. I'm already in a relatonship with her. She's my laogong.

-School of #3?
Vanessa. TKGS.

-Where does #6 live?
Chiobu. Eh, idk lehhs.

-What is your favourite thing of #5?
Yiyun. Alot leh, hahas.

-Have you ever seen #2 naked?
Stacey. NOPES.

Okays, I've been music-score-hunting online now. Super fun lahs! I've found a damn lot of scores! Like there's this website with DBSK scores that Daphne will love!

Janelle.


at 5:14 PM

I LOVE D&T!

I don't care how many people say DnT is boring or that Home Ec is more fun. I LOVE D&T! In fact, I think I'm better at D&T than at Home Ec.

Drew 3D-figures in D&T today, did Image Board. Shan't divulge the details of mine cuz' I don't want people copying. But all I'm going to divulge is this: I'm going to Arab Street on Sunday to buy diamantes to stick on my eDictionary and other gadgets, I MAY buy some to stick on my final DnT work. I DON'T CARE IF MR TAN SAYS I CANT! I DON'T CARE IF PEOPLE SAY IT'S A WASTE OF MONEY! Ultimately, I'LL be using it, and as long as I like it, it's all that matters.

Wow. DnT is really bringing out the indiviuality in me.

Anyway, Bernice was complaining about her eyes hurting halfway through the second figure. Whereas I drew like, eight figures, and I still wanted to draw more! And Mr Tan said all my figures were perfect! Not that I want to brag, but it's just to illustrate the point of how much I heart Design and Technology.

I LOVELOVELOVE D&T!!!!!!!!

Anyways, I was on MSN since 6+ yesterday, and I had a few of people asking me if I was okay, and asking if I was better and blahblahblah. So I have to thank these people.

RACHEL, GINA, MABEL, BERNICE AND CHRISTINE. THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN. YOU'RE ALL FANTASTIC<333

If I missed out any, let me know.


at 6:27 PM

FLU'S BETTER!

After sleeping until like, 10.30 today (Sick people are allowed to sleep 12 hours, so THERE.) and taking my medicine, I'm proud to say that I'm almost 100% flu-free.

Except, of course, I still have a phlegmy throat and a blocked nose.

BUT THE WORST PART IS THAT I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW. AND I STILL HAVE TONS OF UNDONE HOMEWORK. Thank Gawd it's Friday tomorrow(:


at 6:43 PM

STUPID FLU.

Left school at 11.30 halfway through HCL to go to doctor's.

Then when we got to the clinic the nurse took one look at me and went, all,"Aiyo... why her flu so bad one?"

LOL.

But it was seriously terrible. I've got like... teary eyes, a stuffed-up nose that's like... unclearable, a terrible sneeze, a raging migraine and I just feel terrible.

Then afterthat went into doctors' room, blahblahblah.

Came home, took medicine, went to sleep and woke up at 5pm. Then checked my texts.

MABEL&BERNICE ARE SO SUPER DAMN SWEET LAHH.

They sent me text messages telling me to get better and take care and yaddayadda. I LOVE THEM~

Even though I don't talk to Mabel much, I can feel that she cares for me alot(:

Anyways, I feel better now. At least my eyes aren't on auto-tear mode, and the migraine is gone, but I've still got an ultra-stuffed up nose.

AND BY ULTRA I MEAN ULTRA.

And saving the best for last... I GOT AN MC FOR TOMORROW!

But Mum says if I get better I have to go. So let's hope I don't get better so I won't have to go to school. I haven't studied for the chapter 8, 14 and 15 maths test, and I haven't done my IT homework due last week.

Please, please, please let me skip school tomorrow.


at 9:12 PM

OMG THE CLIQUE TRAILER IS OUT!

I'M FREAKING SHOCKED CUZ' LISI HARRISON SAID AUG19, BUT CHECK IT OUT! IT ROCKS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40LGRw1EoNw

For those lazy to click on the link above, I embedded it here!



at 8:51 PM

Second post of the day, idk why.

I'm feeling terrible now, I've been down with the flu since the minute I opened my eyes this morning.

I TELL YOU, BEING SICK AND SNEEZING EVERY SIX SECONDS IS NAWT A GOOD FEELING.

Just took flu medicine, but it doesn't seem to help though. And it's really seriously terribly bitter, and it's powdery.

I keep sneezing in pairs. I never sneeze three or four times, not even once. JUST ALWAYS TWO TIMES EVERY TIME I SNEEZE. It's so ah-nnoying. Because if you sneeze thrice it means someone's thinking about you. But I do NOT want to sneeze four times. It means someone's talking bad about you.

Anyway, I just realised that I haven't done my Maths ex9.1. And the last three questions of the ex8.3 which I owe Mdm Siak. HELLO, I'M DEAD!

Deader than dead. And I have to figure out how I'm going to bring an entire tissue box to school to last the sneezing, and a can of Vicks that I can sniff when I get a blocked nose. (It really works, you know. When your nose is terribly blocked, just either massage the nose by pressing down from below the bone to the end of the nose in one smooth motion, or by sniffing Vicks. But Vicks doesn't work too well for heavily blocked noses. But it's great for light ones.)

NO ONE WANTS TO CHAT WITH ME ON MSN *cries*

I tried talking to Clarine and asking her how to do 7.3, no reply. Claire just asked me "What?" and then logged offline. YeeJun just logged offline when we were just starting to chat. Huining is always on the phone with Kenny, and besides, we've got nothing much to talk about.

So sad right?):

AND MY NUER DOESN'T GO ON MSN ANYMORE. HOW PISSIFYING.

Anyway, I shall name a song of the day everyday, HAHAS(:
Song of the Day: "This Is Me/Gotta Find You"-Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas, off the Camp Rock Soundtrack.

JANELLE(:


at 5:32 PM

OHMYGAWD. ISABEL HAS A SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD BRITISH BOYFRIEND!

This cannot get any more surreal. She just told me over MSN. Actually, Genny told me first. Then when Isabel refused to admit she was going out with Eddie, the Genny-told-me line took over. AND THEN SHE ADMITTED!

Here are the MSN convo windows, click to full size and view the ultra-juicy convo. Lara and Odessa, if Genny/Isabel hasn't told you yet, you get to see the convo windows first-hand!!!






Ahb-viously I got permission from Isabel to put this up, HAHA! But you'll realise that there are some blank spaces. Those are parts Isabel doesn't want anyone to see, so I did her a favour and blanked them out. Half of the convo in part 6 is unrelatted, so you can choose not to read that.


at 5:11 PM

Stupid Carissa. She thinks just by sending me an email saying she's sorry I will forgive her for acting like a total slut this past five months.

NOT SO EASY, CARISSA LIM YUXI.

Anyway, parents should be home soon and I haven't finished my ex9.1, which is our homework. But I have done my 8.3, which is last Tuesday's homework that I owe Mdm Siak and haven't done yet.

Tagboard is incredibly dead. I have no idea why I bother to post so often and such long posts when no one even tags.

Ttyl.


at 9:45 PM

Parents in Kota Tinggi, so spent the whole afternoon since 1pm on the computer watching videos on YouTube.

Yesterday's papers said there would be a CSS3 in December this year, so I asked YeeJun if she wants to go or not. She said she'd only go if I went, and I told her I'd only try out if she tried out with me. So we're going together.

Even though the auditions are like in November, I'm feeling a little apprehensive about going. What if I'm not good enough? What if I get turned down? What if I'm nawt what they're looking for? What if all the other contestants are prettier and slimmer than me? And most importantly, WHAT AM I GOING TO SING?

You do realize that there are extremely few Mandopop female singers with Alto ranges. I can only name one - Ella from S.H.E. And she only has ONE solo song, which is the song about Qiang Qiang. If you know of any Mandopop singers with vocals around Ella's range, please let me know. I'm freaking desperate. YeeJun doesn't have any problem. She can sing Jolin Tsai songs, or Angela Zhang or S.H.E, since she's somewhere between Sop1 and 2. Most female Mandopop singers are either Sop1s or Sop2s.

Anyway, I texted my concerns to YeeJun, and this was the convo we had:
PURPLE-ME; GREEN-YJ
(There's actually a long, unrelated convo here. So I just put in the parts that are related to this post.)

I'm actually a little apprehensive about auditioning for CSS3 end-year.
Why?
Idk lehs.
... Heys, if u dun want to go, dun go. I feel bad.
I want to. Problem is, I'm nawt good enough.
U wld never know. I'll b goin wid u too. U may even get into top 20.
What if you get in and I don't?
I tink tat's impossible. When i reach the stage, i dun even think i will open my mouth.
Still... what if?
Let's nt tink abt that yet...
I'm just scared to go lahhs.
Ur scared of nt being able to pass?
Yeah. I'm don't think I'm good enough.
There will be alot other ppl who wont do as well as u
Meaning they're bad?
Have u seen the past css audition vids? I know i sound mean thou.
Meaning they're bad?
Meaning most of em are nt too good
They think they are.
At least they think they are good. U must tink like that.
The fact is that I'm nawt good!
I hate those ppl in ur sch. Wat did they do to ya?!
Nothing.
Dun let them pull ur self esteem down. I knw how u feel lyk. Sorta. To be the worst in my cca and take the longest to get the moves rite and need to perform
But you're good at dancing. This is different.
U dun have to be good at smting to do it, u want to do it then do it
The point is that I'm nawt good enough.
Bt wat if u ARE good enuf? Then u ouldve wasted so much energy on worrying
What if I'm nawt?
If everyone was lyk u, no1 is gonna try. Dude, BELIEVE IN URSELF!
That's one thing I can't do.
Too bad u r nt at home. There this show nw talking abt believing in urself
I wish I could watch it.
Lol. And I tot u were having tuition
I AM!
Oopsy.
Ttyl.


at 5:07 PM

Admittedly, I've got a new recess-hobby.

After eating I burn off the carbs by playing soccer in the classroom with the guys and Claire and Jeri. IT'S DAMN FUN LAH! Even though I don't like being sweaty and sticky, I can swear that playing soccer with the guys is damn, damn fun. And we never use soccer balls. Since the guys always keep their empty plastic drink bottles under the table, we play using those. And the bottle always ends up out of shape cuz' the guys keep stepping on it and playing cheat. It always starts out as boys-vs-girls, but later in the game some guys will come over to the girls' side cuz' there are never enough girls playing soccer, only watching it.

Anyway, I so THIS CLOSE to being put into the front row next to JunHan today. Thank God I didn't. Cuz' JunHan supposedly bullied JunChao, so Mdm Siak said want to put a fierce girl next to him. Then she asked the class who's the fiercest girl. Then a lot said me. So at first Mdm Siak was like,"You'll be sitting next to JunHan, effective Monday."

I was like, wtf? But eventually WeiJie and Bernice switched places, so I'm still sitting in the third row. PHEW!

Anyway, I'm not in the mood to blog now, so shall go on tudou and watch more eps of Let It Shine and see if I can spot him and see if he has abs ^.^

P.S. MLB CAME OUT IN THE PAPERS TODAY! I CUT OUT THEIR PHOTO, I'M ADDING IT TO MY MLB WALL. HEHS. I AM SATISFIED.


at 10:21 PM

This is going to be a highly personal post, so if you don't want to read any of my personal stuff you can scroll down.

I've always had people telling me I'm not fat, I'm pretty, I can sing, etc, etc, etc. But I never believe any of them. Not much, anyway.

I started out as a normal kid, with confidence in my abilities and the way I looked. But what caused me to turn into someone with such a low self-esteem and someone who thinks so lowly of herself?

I spent the whole evening thinking, and I finally thought of the answer to my change.

It started in P4, when I was shunned by the whole class. Those are days I'd gladly not recall. But, still, the story has to be told. So here it goes.

I was shunned by the class, an outcast and a reject. So what if I was top in English? The girls there hated me, because I was just being myself. They hated me for who I was.

My self-esteem dipped slightly. I began to wonder why everyone disliked me so much, but didn't really poke my nose into it. The quote "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." strongly applied to my lifestyle then.

Then things began to change. In P5 I landed up with the same situation, only worse. I started receiving mean text messages, IMs and the worst of the lot-tags on my blog's tagboard.

The tags started out as plain mean at first, but as time went by they got more and more vulgar, more and more hurting, and my self-esteem began to drop more and more.

By the end of P5 my self-esteem was around the middle range. There were so many things I wanted to change about myself, yet so many things I'd rather not change. My so-called BFFs shunned me. They hated me. My life turned into a game of lies and betrayal. I stopped trusting people altogether, because they had hurt me so much.

Then I went to 6o4, and I thought things could finally take a turn for the better.

My first three weeks in 6o4 were literal hell. The class made it so. The girls who had hated me the year before brought their grudges to my new class. They stopped at nothing to make me miserable and wreck my self-esteem.

Then things started to get better. Or so I thought.

Mean and hurtful tags began surfacing on my blog's tagboard. Initially, I ignored them like my friends told me to. But over time, their hurtful content and words began to grate on my self-esteem. I pondered over my self-worth.

At that time, everyone told me to ignore what I read. But I couldn't. Since young, I've always took other people's opinions of me very strongly.

The hurtful tags, saying I was fat and ugly and even a cat howling on the roof could sing better than me, saying I sucked and I would never find friends and true love.

Slowly, I began to believe in their words. I got sucked into their labyrinth of cattiness. I stopped believing in myself, and I began to believe in the words other people told me.

Maybe it was because even YeeJun doesn't even know some parts of me, I've never told her (but it's fine, I don't hold it against her for not knowing and thus not being able to raise my self-esteem before it was too late.)

She doesn't know that I keep people out to protect myself. When we fought and I sent her text messages telling her not to talk to me, all I wanted was the exact opposite. Maybe I was too demanding. Or maybe she just didn't know.

Because I keep people out to protect myself, I began thinking that it was easier for me to believe in the negative words of my haters than to believe in the voice at the back of my head.

There started the path to a low self-esteem.

Now, despite people telling me that I'm not what those people said I am, I've been believing in those words - believing that I'm fat, believing that I'm ugly, believing that I can't sing, believing that I was a terrible person, believing that I was talentless and a waste of space - for so long that now I can't walk back.

I can't start believing in the opposite of those words. I know God wants me to believe in them, but I've been believing in them for so long, and it's easier to believe in what the haters say.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN MYSELF.

Yiyun is always telling me to believe in myself. I don't. I've never had the courage to talk to guys I like, or get their phone numbers directly from them, because I've been victim to so many comments that I don't even have the courage to talk to them.

Because I'm scared they'll feel the same way about me as those haters did. I'm scared they'll hate me for my stuttering, hate me because I'm not half as chio as Chiobu or Xiaxue or Huining or Afrah or Jeri, hate me because I'm not slim, hate me because I can't sing to save my life.

I know it seems kinda anti-climax to just end like that, but that is the end. That's the end of the story I have to tell. I hope it gave you another insight into my world - the world beyond the Clique books, MiLuBing, cute guys, many BFFs, high English scores and sleeping through Humanities subjects excluding Lit.

This is argurably the most personal problem I have, and I've been going through this alone. By blogging about it, typing about it on the Blogger page, I'm telling myself that I've come to terms with my low self-esteem, and more importantly, come to terms and accepted that I've got an inferiority complex and that I'll never be good enough.

Because I've been going through this alone for so long, and I thought it was time I opened up and let the people I love know about this before it gets too late.


at 2:29 PM

Just got back from school!

During English today she texted me (The she from the previous post) saying she was in school and she was bored. Then I asked her to go talk to her friends. She didn't answer my question, saying she was bored.

wtf.

I just ignored her text. I'm not wasting my texts on her. I'd rather waste them texting Bernice and Rachel in class than HER.

Anyway, I realised that tudou has the La Femme uploads. I may go and see the ep in which Zhiya (Played by Ang Ching Hui) and her boyfriend Kevin (Played by HUANG CHAO QUN) have THAT THING after they get drunk.

Not because I wanna see them doing it, but because I want to see if Brian Wong got abs ornot ^.^

As far as I'm concerned, Weiqi from MLB has abs. Not sure about Nic though. If Nic has abs it'll just give me another reason to love him more(:

I seriously hope Brian Wong has abs!

I just realised that he acted in Let It Shine last year. I wonder why I didn't notice such a hawt guy then? Maybe I go tudou see if they have the Let It Shine eps. Then I wanna see if can spot him(:

OHYESOHYES, MLB'S EP IS COMING OUT MID-AUGUST!((((:

Super happy can?

Jan.


at 8:56 PM

Haven't had time to blog now, cuz' the pressure in school is seriously grating on my time and nerves. Cuz' they really push you damn hard here in NC.